Just came upon this job posting and couldn't resist penning my own fantasy query letter.
AGENCY X is looking for a candidate to work as an assistant to the co-head of the literary department. The position requires a passion for great writing and for the business of books, impeccable organizational skills, the ability to prioritize and juggle numerous projects, excellent phone manner, outgoing personality, and top-notch editorial and writing skills. Responsibilities range from answering phones and tracking contracts and material, to preparing submissions, drafting correspondence, and evaluating and editing manuscripts. At least a year of prior book publishing experience a plus.
Dear X:
I am interested in the Literary Agency Assistant position. I've just finished a
two and a half year assignment working for the Director of Membership at COMPANY Y and am looking for something that is more in line with my own literary
aspirations.
I come with two decades worth of solid entertainment industry experience and look forward to starting again as an assistant for people half my age. It would be glorious to fetch coffee and pick up dry cleaning for snotty 25-year-olds who think that because they got lucky and are a literary agent for X that they can treat me like crap. And I think so little of myself that I am begging for the opportunity to be demeaned daily by spending my days photocopying contracts. There would be no end to the glory to earn 25k per year, while the person or persons I work for make at least six figures, the first of which is not a 1.
X, I am sitting by my phone waiting for your call!Sincerely,
Andrew Altenburg
