I should be so lucky! Shouldn’t I? I mean, I myself, Sara Pauley. Have a steady day job. …but it is nowhere related to theatre. Which is a huge bummer. Now, I realize that there is a rough economy that’s on the brink of falling apart and I realize that a full time day job would be the answer to a lot of out of work theater artists’ dreams. I know it was to me when I couldn’t buy groceries and was maintaining all of my sustenance from popcorn because that was all I could afford. Not to mention trying to make it work by cater-waitering and pasting some restaurant / temping / babysitting jobs up there to even things out while I did my day auditions.
I mean, I am a college graduate, couldn't maintain enough work and was on the verge of having to leave NY! To leave my dream! But somehow, I landed this full time job right before a recession hits and all of a sudden, I feel so adult. I’m a contractor, so no benefits, but it’s a steady paycheck, which is something I have not had in a long time. This job gives me a huge feeling of calm and stability that is pretty enticing (I mean, groceries! Getting to stay in NY!), but…I’ve gotta say it’s been hard to leave my old day audition schedule. I have access to a computer, where I still look up auditions all day. Auditions that I can’t go to during the day dangle in front of me like carrots. Oh, I still take classes, memorize monologues and look at grant applications like they are some beacons of hope that will take me away from all of this office drudgery, but I can’t help but still feel guilty somehow. Like taking the day job and not being the starving artist anymore is somehow doing a disservice to my career. Perhaps what I am missing is this suffering of the starving artist that I used to be. I miss it…it was what I was used to. Everyday, I think about chucking all this stability and going back to my old schedule and am slightly cheered on by the decreasing values of others 401Ks that are dropping all around me.
With the current times, I have to wonder where I am better off. Sure, art does thrive in chaos, but the problem is – my life feels like anything but chaotic anymore. Which feels awesome in some aspects, but definitely weird in others. For example, I can finally afford to see Broadway shows and take that cab all the way to Washington Heights every once in a while if I need to, but the rush and spontaneity of the biz are not as bright and shiny as it used to be. There must be more. I contemplate about having savings and find myself desiring more security in my future. However, I contemplate more about my career in theater and what sacrifices I will have to make to “make it”. It’s a terrible catch-22. Yes, I’m a member of a union, but given my job situation, I am limited in what kind of acting work I can pick up. So I stand on the sidelines near a big pool I want to swim in. Given all the creative projects that I do here in NY, there are times that I do feel disconnected to my craft. Things run in waves here, and you just have to get on the surfboard and go with it. I think the main challenge as an actor in this city is understanding how to survive financially and working your tail off while you do it. So the day job is okay for the time being. It's where I go to get my money. As long as I find little secret ways of making it happen, like taking advantage of my office environment to research opportunities on the web or using my paycheck to take classes or produce a show, I'm going to be just fine. Because I have to believe that opportunity is always knocking...even when I'm in that gilded little cage.
