Having come from the dentist for the third time in as many weeks, it dawned on me why people hate going to the dentist so much.
As much as I hate going to the doctor, when I leave his office I'm not usually writhing in pain. When I leave the mechanic, it's usually only my wallet that hurts. When I leave a boyfriend, at worst, usually my CD collection suffers.
But leaving the dentist, a whole other story. The pain, the gauze, the bleeding...the bills!
I'm insured my lovely and large insurance company informs me to the tune of $2,000. On paper, that sounds nice...until the novocaine wears off and the realitization hits that it's about $2,000 just to show up and get a teeth cleaning. All that scrubbing, buffing, extracting, drilling (please don't say "Drill, baby, drill", I'm a mite sensitive about that for another reason), X-raying and...what can only be best described as a torture worthy of Guantamo...something called scaling (not to be outdone by the insertion of what feels like concrete), well...let's just say, if I had children, my grandchildren would still be settling this bill.
What craziness. And this is the INSURED me. What do people without insurance do? I'll soon find out as my deductible as been reached. Translation: you're going to have concrete and guaze and a gaping hole in the back of your mouth for all eternity. Good thing this didn't affect my front teeth. As best as I can recall, "Hee Haw" is no longer on the air and my chance for work in celebrity-white-teeth obsessed Los Angeles would doom me if I walked around looking like...well, some toothless person who didn't have insurance.
It got me to thinking why, as a culture, we love and applaud and literally cannonize doctors (have you seen "ER" or "Gray's Anatomy" or "House" lately?) For all their quirks and, shortcomings (usually few) and foibles, doctors are usually shown as smart, compassionate, decent, hard-working, highly sexual and ... just a ball of fun to be around. And did I mention highly sexual? No wonder enrollment and interest in medical schools is booming.
Needless to say, dentists, on the other hand could use a lobbyist. Is there a TV dentist at the moment? I don't think so. Can't think of one. And look at TV's history of dentist shows. Uh, yeah. Not many. Not one? Can't think of one. While doctors are dreamy, and McDreamy, and steamy and (does anyone remember how Chad Everett filled out his scrubs on "Medical Center"...that probably is why Im gay) always hot and sexually active...what are dentists ALWAYS?
Right. They're the butt of the joke, usually portrayed as insane or twisted, freakish or buffoonish. Howard Sprague on the "Andy Griffith Show", he was a mess. Ralph Malph's dad on "Happy Days"? Mess. Any TV dentist you can think of...mess. Or crazy. The movies aren't much better. "Marathon Man"? Dustin Hoffman sat in the chair as a former Nazi war criminal, who was now a dentist -- natch -- put him through some of the scariest dental work ever. Steve Martin in "Little Shop of Horrors"? As dentists you would ever want, he would rank lower than Dr. Kervorkian. At least Kervorkian gives you pain meds! Is it any wonder dentists always rank as one of the most, if not THE most, depressed segments of the population. (More so even than Republicans who think Bush has been a good president.)
Bryan Cranston on "Seinfeld" played Tim the dentist, maybe the first normal, amiable, capable, likable dentist in TV history, that is until he decided Jerry was "an anti dentite" (in one of the show's funniest EVER episodes).
So dentists of America, I feel your pain. (Literally). You hard working guys and gals just want to be portrayed in TV and movies like your sexy doctor counterparts. You want dignity, you want honor, you want respect.
I'm happy to do my part. But we have to meet half way here...lower your bills, stop with all the pain (more gas, less novocaine), no more salami at lunch time (or garlic!), stop telling me how tough my teeth are and turning around and saying "but your gums suck." Oh, and I'll even write the pilot for TV's first sexy dentist-by-day/private-eye-by-night drama, if you do me one more favor...kill the elevator music.
